


i love you

by gothoria



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Billy Hargrove Is Bad at Feelings, Billy Hargrove Needs a Hug, Billy Hargrove-centric, Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Late Night Conversations, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Men Crying, Mild Hurt/Comfort, The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known, and steve gives him those, lots of emotions, struggling to accept that love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:59:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27070846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothoria/pseuds/gothoria
Summary: Billy only associates those three words with destruction and tragedy.He hates hearing them. Assumes that people don’t mean it.Steve means it. Truly.
Relationships: Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington
Comments: 10
Kudos: 94





	i love you

**Author's Note:**

> “We accept the love we think we deserve.” -The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

“You know… I love you.” 

His throat closes up. 

He turns around. The bed is warm and yet, Billy can _feel_ himself turn cold. Like a black hole about to swallow him up. 

“... What did you say?” 

Steve’s eyes are looking right into him. He _hates_ that feeling. His mom had once told him a quote about love. About the look in Steve’s eyes. 

_If we want the rewards of being loved, we must subject to the mortifying ordeal of being known._

He _hates_ being known. He hates the whole thing. 

“I said I love you. I thought you knew.” 

Billy shakes his head. 

He didn’t know. How could someone say that to another person and mean it? He’ll never understand. How can someone trust another person to not turn their back on them? It’s much like passing a knife to the one person you think will never stab you in your back, trusting that they will not warp your view of them. 

He can’t take this, he can’t take being loved, of being truly loved, of being known, of having your heart on your sleeve. He never wears his heart on his sleeve, not anymore, and he can’t take this, he can’t take the- 

_he can’t take this he can’t take this he can’t take this_

“You’re lying, right?... Tell me you’re lying, please.” 

He bites down on his bottom lip, moves away from Steve’s hand when it reaches up to release the hold. His stomach is twisting so violently. It makes him want to throw up the dinner he and Steve shared. It makes him want to pull away. 

Steve doesn’t understand yet. Billy hasn’t told him how those three words.. how those three words throw him into a hurricane of emotions. How they damaged him.

His mother said those three words a lot and still, she left. If Steve truly means it and winds up leaving too... It will _destroy_ Billy. It will leave him a tattered mess, a piece of debris flung to the side by a hurricane. 

He can’t go through that again. So, he tells Steve again, 

“ _Please._ Nothing has to change if you take it back. Just please, tell me you’re–“

A sob breaks his words off. 

He is quick to slap his hand on his mouth, is quick to ignore the lump in his throat because boys don’t cry, boys are not weak, boys don’t act like _fags._

He looks down, refuses to look at Steve and his brown eyes. He refuses to cry. 

The tears spill anyway. All his efforts are for nothing. He cries and cries and cries and pushes Steve away when he gets closer. 

“ _Steve–Take it back…_ ” 

His nose is runny. His eyes sting. He is openly sobbing into his pillow now. The noise is so tragic. Just a boy who cannot accept the love that he deserves. 

The tears are streaming down his face and landing on his pillow. They reek of that smell of salt and water mixing. 

His eyes are so red. The tears don’t stop. They pour and pour out of him, like a dam that has been destroyed and will only flood the land surrounding it. 

A boy who has not been met with that love since his mother left him. 

It’s terrible. 

His throat hurts. It burns and burns and burns with tears and it fucking hurts _so_ much. There is nothing to hear except his sobs. His muffled protests. He whispers to _take it back. To stop lying._

“ _Billy... I’m not lying. I’m not going anywhere._ ”

His cries get louder. They’re terrifying. They increase in volume until the cicadas outside can no longer be heard. There is nothing but agony in Steve’s house. 

Agony over being loved. Isn’t that tragic? 

“ _Don’t say it unless you mean it, Steve, please–“_

It takes everything in him to push the words out of his throat. He can’t take this. He pushes his hands against his eyes, rubs them clear of tears, and blinks away the droplets that linger on his lashes. 

The moonlight illuminates the room so beautifully. It illuminates _Steve_ so beautifully. He loves Steve. There’s no question. Steve might not love Billy, though. He could be gone tomorrow morning if Billy isn’t careful. 

Careful means pushing away and insisting that this isn’t who they are. They’re not the type to fall in love with each other. It will always be one-sided. Billy will love Steve until his dying breath, and Steve will settle down with a beautiful girl. He will have some kids of his own and forget all about Billy. 

_No._

“ _I mean it, Billy. I love you. I love you.”_

His cries quiet down. Steve’s body is warm. He wraps his body around the front of Billy’s. He runs a soft hand down Billy’s back. It feels nice. It feels sweet. 

“ _I will always love you.”_

Steve’s words are whispered right beside Billy’s ear. His breath warms the skin behind it. 

He should take this as it is. He should take like he always does. _Why is it so fucking hard to accept Steve’s love?_

“ _I know it’s hard. It doesn’t change a thing. I still love you. No matter what. You don’t have to say it back now, or ever. You just need to know.”_

Billy rubs his eyes clear again. His eyes focus on Steve. Steve who gives and doesn’t ask for anything in return because his favorite thing is to give to those he loves. 

He loves Billy. 

With Steve planting kisses all over his face, moments after Billy broke down because the very thought of someone loving Billy terrified him... It doesn’t seem that scary anymore. Not when Steve looks at him with a glint in his brown eyes that tells Billy that he means every word. He’s not just saying it to make Billy laugh. 

He loves Billy. 

“ _Thank you.”_

**Author's Note:**

> gonna dedicate this to my friend, you know who you are, thank you for dealing with the train wreck that is my mind and allowing me to be your friend that you occasionally bounce ideas off. <3


End file.
